milestones, birthdays, etc.

It's been 6 days since R. died and between that and the dread that I feel when facing a solo trip (especially abroad) I have been in a bit of a funk.

There has been an outpouring of online tributes to R., most of which I (harshly; B says this is about me, and surely he's right) find WAY too self-involved. My grief is private and I don't feel it necessary to share it on my university list-serve. Also NB: 90% of the tributes are written by men. R. had some women students (not many, and all outside the mold of traditional feminine, whatever THAT is) and a lot of women colleagues, and yet women have not found it necessary to proclaim their sorrow online to their colleagues.

We celebrated Mom's 88th birthday today. My brother asked if she ever dreamed she'd live to be 88, and of course she did not, but she mentioned that both her mother and mother's sister died at 88 so clearly she's thought about that. She is as sharp as ever - up on all the news; clearly articulated views; lots of hobbies and activities.

I am melancholy about old age, even middle age. To me, it's roads not taken, friends lost to death, and abilities reduced. Maybe after I lose 30 pounds (my birthday gift to myself this year, starting when I get back from Europe) I will feel differently about the reduction in abilities. Let's hope. I am definitely NOT feeling that surge of middle-aged delight that Carol Gilligan has written books (a whole genre) about.

Sorry. The next post will be more cheerful, I promise you.